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There’s a joke in the LGBTQ+ community, that dating after you come out is like going through junior high again.
Growing up, the non-LGBTQ folks got their awkward dating jitters out in junior high and high school. Freak outs over texting, awkward crush confessionals, etc etc.
When you come out as an adult, you get allllll of those feels. Those junior high feels enter stage right — and it is a FEELINGS PARTY.
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What is this feeling?
And my complicated queer feels showed up with GUSTO when I came out. (That whole story is here.)
Nobody warns you about this avalanche of emotions when you come out*, or the roller coaster ride you’re about to embark on when you start dating.
So, I’ve decided to share some of my awkward run-ins and lessons, so I’m going to tell y’all my learning moments so you can (hopefully) make better decisions.
[*Note: I’m using “coming out” in this context to denote a period of time where a person decides to date outside of the cis/hetero experience. I recognize that coming out is a continual process and construct that not everyone experiences.]
Lesson #1: Telling Someone You’re Interested in Them
Y’all, I am a coward. I can get up and speak in front of a crowd of 10,000+ people, no problem!
But ask that cutie for a drink? Or tell someone I’m interested in them?
I WOULD RATHER LIE IN THE ROAD AND DIE, DRAMATICALLY.
Eugh.
When I have these conversations (woo personal growth!) I usually send my “notification of interest” message, and then throw my phone across the room.
It then takes between 1-3 hours before I can look at the screen to see the response.
Strong Femme Personality FTW
i’ve gotten a lot better (or less worse?), but this is still something I struggle with. My real fear here is that I will overwhelm someone with my interest or accidentally steam roll people.
I have a LOT of personality, and I tend to want to date little cute introverts, and I don’t want to scare them off!!! Or make people feel uncomfortable. (Aside: I really fear making people uncomfortable, and I’m betting that comes from a space of internalized homophobia, so there’s that.)
How to Tell Someone You’re Interested in Them
So, I’ve devised a handy little script to use to communicate interest that gives the other person an “out.” Here it is:
“Hey! I think you’re pretty attractive, and I’d love to get coffee with you! AS a date, to be clear. No worries if you’re not interested, I’m trying a new thing where I state intentions clearly. No pressure either way!”
Let’s break down the formula of this message:
- For one, I’m clear that my intentions are romantic. This saves me from being at coffee with someone and one of us going, “Wait, is this a date?”
- Next, I give them an “out” and make a loooooot of space for consent. I make it clear they can be not-romantically-interested, and that’s okay!
- Finally, I usually text this. Whenever i’m asked out IRL, my mind goes totally blank – so I try to give folks some space to ~process.~
(One time a girl asked me out, and my response was, “Wait, you want to date me? Are you sure?” Face palm.)
Lesson #2: Fear of Being Unlovable
One of the challenges some folks get when beginning to date as an out LGBTQ+ person, is confronting beliefs about being wrong/unlovable/sinful.
Something that I struggled with was dating crappy people, because I was convinced I was unlovable (woo being raised in a religious homophobic community.)
I put up with a LOT of crap from my first partner, until I woke up and realized this wasn’t working.
It’s key when you start dating that you remember AND REMIND YOURSELF that you are lovable and deserving of a wonderful partner or partners.
Because it can be hard to advocate for oneself, I use this gut check:
“Would I be okay with my best friend being in a relationship like this? Would I want their partner(s) to treat my BFF like this?”
“Would I be okay with my best friend being in a relationship like this? Would I want their partner(s) to treat my BFF like this?”
If the answer is “HECK NO!” then it’s time to change things up.
Lesson #3: Internal Freak-Outs are Normal
You’re gonna have a lot of feels during this whole process, and that is a-okay! It’s okay to ask your friends for advice on how to respond to texts, and it’s okay to lie on your floor listening to Tegan & Sara.
These are junior high feels, remember? Accept all the feelings in their messy glory.
Want more tips? I’ve shared the rest on Medium here, so as to not get my site blacklisted with Google!!
